Yeap, it happened… I wish I could say I was surprised, but I
wasn’t. My reception lobby, that warm,
bright, fuzzy, safe-zone, filled with candy and sporting a “time-out” chair
used to soothe the occasionally frazzled co-worker, is now dark, cold and
lifeless.
I received my Christmas bonus early last year, just in time
for Thanksgiving ---I was laid off. 8 ½
years, down the toilet with one mighty flush.
I was lucky to get a heads up of sorts. When the email came and I saw management was
asinine enough not to hide the recipient list, I just knew. My heart dropped as I realized I was about to
lose a part of my life that I loved. I
worked with some amazing people and now I would lose that lifeline.
Ahead of this meeting, I began to rifle
through my desk drawers to load up 8 years worth of personal effects into a
plastic tub. My thought was, best to do
it before the axe fell, that way I had a head start and it would give me time
to say my goodbyes. I was heartbroken,
but I did not cry.
There was very little time between receipt of the email and
the scheduled time for the meeting, 30 minutes tops. I imagine this was done in an attempt to keep
those being axed from having too much time for interaction with others in the
company. It only took me about 15
minutes to clean out my desk which left me time too load the tub into my truck
and then proceed to have a smoke to calm my nerves. As I rode the elevator down to the parking
garage, it felt as though the pain in my chest was going to burst out like a
bad scene from Alien, but I did not cry.
I deposited my belongings into my truck and then headed to
the loading dock for a smoke and some contemplation. As luck would have it, one of my beloved
co-workers arrived for a smoke as well.
I turned to him and said, “This is it buddy, I’m going to get the axe in
a few minutes.” He was speechless, but I
suspect he knew it was coming. We
proceeded to have our smoke in silence as there wasn’t much to say in a
situation like this. I knew I would miss
him as he’d been one of those great guys that looked after me while I went
through a hellish divorce and suffered a short-lived eating disorder, dropping
40 pounds in a matter of several months.
Many were the nights he and I spent drinking our faces off to chase away
our daily demons. He even offered
me french-fries from his plate when I refused to eat, he was awesome. The sadness I felt knowing I might not see
him again was gut-wrenching, but still I did not cry.
He finished his smoke and headed back up. I decided to stay and smoke another one, my
rational was, why worry about being late for this meeting, what were they going
to do? Fire me? Well, yes, I suppose
they were. I did not care. For a moment I felt belligerent about it, I
wanted to be late, I wanted to be fashionably late damnit! Mess with my job and I will purposely be late
for your effin’ meeting.
As I smoked my second ciggie, my mind wandered back to my
co-workers. Several of them had made a
huge impact on my life. I’d like to
think I learned some important life lessons from each of them (aside from
learning how to drink good bourbon, bad champagne and taking up smoking again
after 4 years of quitting).
I arrived to the meeting about 10 minutes late. Just late enough to be assured that those
chairing the meeting would be made to feel uncomfortable at having to repeat
the first 10 minutes of the meeting. I
walked in, announced, “Sorry I’m late,” and proceeded to take my place among
the others who already had that ‘deer caught in headlights’ look on their
faces. I stared at each of their faces,
knowing this moment would change their lives in an unpleasant way. Our president, slightly annoyed by my
lateness, began to reiterate that she felt she had failed us and that we would
be let go. She had a hard time talking
because she was choked up. For a brief moment
I saw things from her side, the agony of having to release her faithful minions in such
a difficult way. I felt an overwhelming
urge to hug her, so I did. I did not
care what anyone else thought, all I saw was someone in pain. She was caught off guard, but hugged me back,
and then I sat back down.
She finished as best she could but then excused herself to
let the HR person finish with the details of our release. Then the sobs and tears came, but they were
not my own. I got up again and hugged
the young woman, as I held her small body, wracked with sobs, I whispered in
her ear, “One door closes, another door opens, you will be okay, I
promise.” I cannot bear to see pain; it
drives a knife through my heart. Still,
I did not cry. I listened half-heartedly
to what HR was explaining, but I was of no mind to pay much attention, everything said after
being told you’re being let go is like piss in the wind. So I abruptly stood up and said, “I’ve got work to
finish, please excuse me,” and I walked out.
I felt free. Scared,
but free.
With my desk cleaned out I knew I needed to connect with my
supervisor to close out my work. However,
meeting up with her was not to be for quite some time as she was in another
meeting. Those that were safe were
dragged into other “meetings” so that they wouldn’t have to face us when we
became “ghosts.” Instead, I headed back
down for a smoke.
By the time I came back up to say my goodbyes, most people
were back at their desks. The news was
out, we were now ghosts. As I made my
rounds, many of them would hug me and start to cry, I could only hug them back
and tell them, ”don’t cry, I’ll be alright.”
They couldn’t understand how the receptionist could be laid
off, the gatekeeper, the one that smiled at them first thing in the morning and
the last thing at night, the bitch that never ordered enough cream for their fucking
coffee. It was unfathomable. And a warning sign for those left behind, that
things would get worse, much, much worse. And still I did not cry, instead I held it all in and tried to comfort
them as best I could.
It was time to leave, time to take one last look around at
these people whom I loved and somehow move on.
It was not easy, but I did not cry.
As it was quitting time by now, I headed up to our watering
hole, ready to drink the pain away one last time with my awesome peeps. We drank; we laughed and promised each other
we’d stay in touch.
As I made my way home to start my new life, I felt empty and
lost, like my world had just collapsed in on itself.
But still, I did not cry.
Once home, my wonderful boyfriend folded me up in his arms
and held me tightly. I waited for the
tears to come, but they would not. I think
now that the afternoon spent comforting others had reinforced the dam holding
back the tears that were just beneath the surface.
I went to bed feeling wiped out.
I awoke at about 2 am, got out of bed and headed to the
adjacent bedroom where I collapsed on the floor…
…and I cried…
