Sunday, January 27, 2013

All That Money Spent on College and You're Selling Door to Door?


I’ve just returned from a two-week vacation of rest and relaxation and I’m anxious to put my reception desk back in order to start the new year and then it happens…

I’ve barely settled into my cozy communication cubby when I see a stranger step off the elevator and head toward my front door. My thoughts race, is it a job candidate, a new hire or maybe it’s Dave Sayer, Executive Director from Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol, telling me I just won ten million bucks.

No such luck, it’s actually a door to door salesman. Ugh, now my morning is ruined. Apparently solicitors are unable to decipher the words “No Soliciting” that are posted in the main lobby. Same goes for the “No Soliciting” sign posted front and center on my reception desk. I see them look at it, but they must think it doesn’t apply to them.

Guess what, it DOES!

Without further ado, I morph into my “other” self, the bitchy one, to deal with this. I let them utter their introduction while I stare at them blankly, waiting for them to finish and then I point to the sign without speaking. Of course, being salesmen (or women) they’re inclined to continue trying to engage me in a two-way conversation. Now I gotta’ get up out of my seat, look them straight in the eye and verbally explain that there is no soliciting in this office or the rest of the building (‘cuz you know he’s going to try and visit all the other offices in the building after I get rid of him).

Typically, the less experienced ones, not yet comfortable with rejection, will thank me for my time and head back out the door and on to the next office. Then there are the ones who are insistent in their demand to sell their crap. I politely tell them they will have to leave. Some leave, some don’t. The ones that don’t leave begin to change their tone of voice and become nasty using the age old, “you’re just the receptionist, you have no say in anything” routine.

Seeing their desperate need to speak with someone of more importance than I, I smile at them and give them what they want. I ask them to take a seat and make themselves comfortable then I get to work calling the one person they need to speak with....

....our office park security guard.

You see, the security guard and I have an understanding. I call his mobile phone and tell him he has a “visitor” who wishes to see him, all the while, the salesman believes I’m setting him up to meet with a company decision-maker. Approximately five minutes later, my big burly security guard arrives to find his quarry sitting comfortably in my reception area waiting ever so patiently.

While being escorted out of the office they often like to get the last word in, calling me a bitch or various other inappropriate adjectives. Me? I don’t need words, I just blow them a kiss as they’re led out of my office and onto the elevator.

I suppose some people might think I go too far, but in reality, how many stories have you heard about people walking through the front door of an office and going "postal?" I've heard far too many for my liking.

So until companies learn to keep their salespeople indoors, my vigil will continue.

xxThe Gatekeeper

You want to speak to whom? REALLY?



Here, let me help you with that then!
YEAH RIGHT!

When you call my business line, I assume you're looking for someone or something. It's my job to assist you with your quest so it behooves you to treat me with some amount of respect and kindness. I'm not talking about curtsying the Queen here, I'm just talking simple courtesy, like that you would bestow upon a friend or colleague.

So, with that said, it's AMAZING the number of calls I receive where you, the caller, decide to become combative.

It really shouldn't have to come to that, but once the battle lines are drawn, I hope you are prepared to engage in a mêlée you
WILL NOT WIN.

You see, I am the gatekeeper, and as such, it's my duty to weed out the bottom-feeders like you headhunters and telemarketers.

You DARE attempt to steal our talent? I think
NOT, don't even bother trying because I will screen your ass SIX ways to SUNDAY! Telling me it's a "personal" call when I ask you who you are is the BIGGEST red flag.

Next are you cubicle monkeys that try to railroad me into submission by talking fast and/or talking "over" me. That just irritates the piss out of me and you can be guaranteed that at that point, all your hopes of getting through, have
VANISHED.

I realize it's tantalizing for you at this point, to proceed to antagonize me with stupidity like, "who left YOU in charge" or my personal favorite, "you're
just the receptionist." If you wish me to verbally scold you before I hang up on your pathetic ass, this would be the route to go.

Oh, and I also realize, that once I've hung up on you, you WILL be tempted to call back for vengeance, you can't help yourself. You'll demand to "speak with my supervisor/manager/Supreme Being" about my rude behavior and I will gladly oblige because the receptionist reports to EVERYONE. I have no qualms whatsoever about passing you through, they will likely tear you a new one harsher than I because now you’re wasting both my time and THEIRS.


Thank you for calling and have a nice day!
xxThe Gatekeeper